Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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