Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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