Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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