So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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