I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Semen is not good for contacts.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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