If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
