i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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