I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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