his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
You're like the curious george of whores
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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