Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
