3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
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