what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
