two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
im holly from the hills drunk
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
