she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
