I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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