I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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