Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
