stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize