i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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