Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
