When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
