i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
