Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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