my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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