All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
false alarm. still invincible.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
