I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
