its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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