I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
