My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
