I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
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