he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize