3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
