Umm I'm too high to move.
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
