Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Sorry my hands just texted you
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
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