you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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