i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
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