cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
