I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
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