So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
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