I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
