i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
