I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
