i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
