My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
