Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Damn victory sex feels great
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
