The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
How naked do you want me to be?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
