I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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