I think i sorta joined a cult last night
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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