Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
the night ended with taco bell and tears
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
