we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
