he wants to bone in the snuggie
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
