I cannot find my penis.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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