At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
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