This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
