i just had sex bonerless
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
