If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize