Porn is love you can see.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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