i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
