Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
