Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize