They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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