my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
