My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize