Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
