I wanna bring you to show and tell
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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