I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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