I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
