my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize