The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Randomize
