I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
