There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
